My Miscarriage

Reader Digression: This is going to be an incredibly raw and personal story about my experience with miscarriage.

I know you are not supposed to go down the rabbit hole pondering what could have caused your miscarriage. There are drug addicts who give birth to semi healthy babies, so it is important to not blame yourself for what happened. But in hindsight there were some things that I think defiantly did not help my odds of not miscarrying, and I wanted to address these "Red Flags" or bad habits that maybe contributed or indicated a problem.

The first sign for me was the pregnancy tests.
At 2 weeks late I decided to take a pregnancy test. I took a line test and it came back positive. Very light, but the second line was there.
I waited 2 days and took another test. 2  pink lines, definitely positive. I took a digital test, it said "not pregnant" so I was confused? The next day I took another line test and got another positive. So I considered myself pregnant.
At this point I should have been sitting around 6 weeks pregnant when I took the test, at which point my HcG levels should have been high enough to indicate a clear positive result. Looking back I think the faint light and negative digital result were a red flag that my Hormone levels were not as high as they should be. This is not always the case and obviously every pregnancy is different so you should not panic if your test was faint or first test was negative. But for me, hindsight says this could have been an early indication that something was off.

I did the prenatal vitamins. Stopped eating seafood. Cut down my caffeine intake. Ect... Trying to be the best incubator possible.
But I also had a bad history of high sugar, high caffeine, low nutrient diet. So my body was already low on vitamins and minerals. And I blame my sweet tooth for possibly causing blood sugar issues that could have contributed to my miscarriage. (I have a serious sugar addiction. And gestational diabetes does run on my family history.)

I called all the local OBGYN's around to ask when I should set up an appointment. They seemed less that eager to have me as a client due to my lack of insurance*. I got short answers and was told only certain doctors would see me. Due to the busy schedule of this overly fertile city- they refused to do any appointments sooner than 12 weeks, as it was not necessary. Not even an HcG blood test**.
They told me to get some prenatal vitamins and they would see me in 4 weeks. No list of dos & don't. No advice. Just a short conversation and *click*

*Pregnancy can sometimes qualify you for special insurance enrollment times through the health insurance marketplace. As well as the availability of many government programs. Look for abortion alternative clinics in your area and they will help you!
**You can insist on having lab work done at ANY time during your pregnancy to test your HcG levels. You are the customer- you are paying for the service. Do not be afraid to request services! Even if they say you don't need one, for your peace of mind, tell them if you want it!

There are SO many things to avoid! I was upset that the doctor never gave me recommendations but as a rule- no seafood, no processed meat, no hot baths, no ibuprofen or medications not approved first be a OBGYN, no Salic acid (in certain face cleaners and toner), no hair dye, no paint, no fake tan or chemical filled lotion/skin products, don't breath in fumes, and avoid litter boxes.

At 11 weeks I thought we were close enough to the "Safe zone" (second tri) that we could announce it, as pregnancy is something super exciting and you want to share with everyone!
There is no "Safe zone" but things are most likely to go wrong during the first 12 weeks, and then still kind of likely until 20 weeks. And if you announce the pregnancy you will have to share your suffering publicly as well. It is your choice. And some people feel that having friends know and support them is helpful to their grief.
 However, I personally wish I wouldn't have shared the news.

4 days later I noticed that I was spotting. A dime size amount, but any amount of bleeding is terrifying during pregnancy. So I went to the internet again, and found that "Light bleeding or spotting during the first Tri is common and no need for concern." So I put it out of my mind for the time being. But the next day it was quarter size spots, 2 of them. So I called my assigned OBGYN office again.
She told me the same thing "Light bleeding or spotting during the first Tri is common and no need for concern." but when I insisted I was nervous about it she told me to go get blood work done and she would check mg HcG levels. So I took a lunch break and went straight to the Lab.
I am terrified of needles, but my anxiety about the spotting was greater that my needle anxiety so I kept it together.
The next day she told me to go in again and we would test the levels 24 hours later and see if they were going up or down. By this time I was having slight cramping pain but assumed this was due to the stress of this situation. It got worse as I waited what felt like an eternity for the call.

I received a phone call 3 hours later from the Dr, not the nurse. I was at work, and went to the back to take the call. She said "your test results came back and your HcG is decreasing which means you are going to miscarry any time within the next few days" She said it matter of factly, as nicely as she could, but very straight forward, almost bluntly. My ears rang and I just said "ok" and hung up the phone. So that was that.

I called my boss and told him I was unwell and had to leave- now. He assumed I was ill or had a headache and asked if I could stay 2 more hours, but I informed him I was leaving immediately. I didn't care if I got fired at this point. It was like when she told me that, she gave my body permission to precede with what it was already trying to do. I was in the worst pain I had ever experienced by the time I arrived home. It was all I could do to get out of the truck and climb the unbearable stairs to my apartment.
I hadn't even called my husband, and he was alarmed when I stumbled in the front door. "Are you ok?" he asked, looking at my pale expression and hunched posture. "No, I am in SO much pain right now! I HAVE to lay down!"
I went to the bedroom, took off all my uncomfortable clothes and crawled into bed.

I had an ovarian cyst rupture several months earlier- and if you have ever experienced it, it is an intense cramping pain like your appendix is dying or you have been stabbed. This was just as horrible, but it lasted longer. I called the doctor back and asked her at what pointed I should be concerned and she basically told me to "Go to the ER if you bleed heavily enough you become faint or pass out" and called in a prescription for a pain killer if I decided I needed it.  I sent my husband to retrieve the prescription- half because I wanted pain relief and half because I didn't want him around. He was only trying to help and was concerned, but I only wanted to be alone in this time of pain and misery.

I will spare you the details of the rest of the evening but I will say that you will lose a LOT of blood. More than you think you will. For every period you missed, add that and multiply it by 3.
It is very painful. You are dilating, like how one would in labor- except you don't dilate as much (only to about a 3-5 cm depending on how far along you are when it happens.) And you also have contractions. Some people say that these are just as bad as pregnancy contractions, but again, I think it depends on how far along you are.
I was scared, no-one told me what to prepare for. I thought at one point that I might pass out and possibly die from this. The best place for me was to lay in the shower and let the water constantly run across me.
You will pass large clots and clumps of tissue, and possibly the entire birth sac. For me- seeing the "Birth Sac" completely intact was the most traumatic experience of my life. It is an image that is forever burned in my brain. I wanted to see if there was indeed a baby inside- but it felt morbid to do that. So I wrapped it, and set it aside. Some people flush them. Some people bury or cremate them. It is 100% what you feel is right. There is no guideline for what you should do with this. Most hospitals dispose of it as medical waste, and it is not considered a person for burial until 20-24 weeks depending on the state. Anything before this point is your choice, and responsibility.
We chose to bury ours in nature, as it seemed a more respectful and ceremonial and I could not bring myself to just dispose of it.

For me it was such a shock and was so abrupt that I didn't really wrap my head around it. I felt numb, and distant from reality. I didn't feel as sad as I thought I should, and that made me feel guilty. I was disappointed, and embarrassed. I felt as tho I had done something wrong and caused this, and now all my friends and relatives knew I was unfit to have a baby. I felt like all my plans and excitement got out of hand and I had gotten ahead of myself. I felt like I had let down my husband, as he was over the moon excited to be a father. And worst of all- I felt relieved. I wasn't ready for a baby, and I was so scared about suddenly being responsible for one, that I felt like I had subconsciously told myself to have a miscarriage.

We didn't talk about it. I tried to pretend it didn't happen. I went back to work 3 days later and no-one said a thing and I acted as tho nothing had happened. It was easier to not think about it.
My husband didn't bring it up, and kept his feelings about it private for the most part. Which ended up causing him to drink more, and become more distant. People often forget that a miscarriage can be just as hard on the husband. Several months later we were able to talk about the experience together and he said "I think subconsciously the miscarriage effected me more than I realized it was, because I was trying to pretend everything was ok for you... and I didn't recognize that I wasn't ok yet."

I also became very bitter. Every time I saw a pregnancy announcement, or expectant mother I would think things like "She doesn't deserve to have a baby because_____" or "Why do people like them get to have children when I don't". I would judge people by their genes, thinking anyone who was less healthy, or attractive, or successful did not deserve to reproduce. And I became very hateful of other peoples children.
This anger and resentment and jealousy ate away at me daily for a long time.

Over time I started to embrace and cope with the realization that this had happened to us, it was real life, and I needed to find a way to let it go and move on.
Then one day I was searching the internet for "What to do with miscarriage" And found an article called "The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage" With Miscarriages being so common, surely others had experienced this and there was a way to grieve, a ceremony, a tradition...
That was where I learned of the Jizo.

https://www.amazon.com/Hi-Line-Gift-Ltd-Japanese-Smiling/dp/B01N3P0FFB/ref=sr_1_28?ie=UTF8&qid=1508802991&sr=8-28&keywords=jizo

"These small figurines dressed in red caps and bibs honor the souls of babies who are never born.

According to Buddhist belief, a baby who is never born can’t go to heaven, having never had the opportunity to accumulate good karma. But Jizo, a sort of patron saint of fetal demise, can smuggle these half-baked souls to paradise in his pockets. He also delivers the toys and snacks we saw being left at his feet on Mount Koya. Jizo is the U.P.S. guy of the afterlife."

And for me, and others who arnt buddist, the Jizo represents the child, it is a memorial. A way to honor the past, and not forget, but have closure.

My Jizo statue sits on a shelf in my house, and I can look at it and not feel sad anymore.

For the few months immediately after the miscarriage I had intense feelings of wanting to "fill the void" and try for another child. This is normal and caused by the hormones fluctuating through your body during this time. It is best to wait 3 or more months before trying again, to give your body, and mind time to heal. We got a new dog at this time, thinking a baby puppy would give me something to care for and love, and it was very comforting to me at that time.

As time went on, the miscarriage didn't have as much weight holding me down. I felt happy again.
My husband and I were able to talk about it, together, as well as to people who asked us about it. The more we talked about it the more we healed. I was able to force myself to let go of the guilt and anger  and embarrassment and resentment. I was able to find peace with what had happened and move forward.
I found so many forms and people in my life who had gone through this same thing. There was a whole community of woman who shared their stories online, and helped bring peace and consoling to other woman who were suffering. The more forms I read, and blog posts, and stories, the better I felt about my experience. The more I realized how normal these thoughts and feelings were. And it brought comfort to me to know that I was not alone.
So I decided to post this story, and share my experience in hopes that others can relate and receive comfort from it.

Reach out to those around you. Share your story. And let go of the anger and hurt. Time heals all wounds, and you will be ok again.

Links & References:

To the Woman who has just miscarried: http://mrshsfavouritethings.com/2016/10/open-letter-woman-miscarried.html

What happens when you Miscarry: http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage/whathappenswhenyouhaveamiscarriage

A blighted Ovum is a miscarriage where no baby forms: https://wehavekids.com/having-baby/Blighted-Ovum-and-Missed-Miscarriage

Grieving a miscarriage: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html