Marriage New Years Resolutions

While you are writing out your Goals for the new year, thinking of ways for improving yourself in 2017. -Make some resolutions to improve your marriage.
Here are some ideas to add to your list:

• Set aside time and money to go on a date every month. A 'real' date. Where you have actual plans, get dressed up, and spend quality time together. Phones and Distractions NOT included.

• Make a 'Rule' not to raise your voice to each other. You can still argue and disagree, but make an effort to keep a respectful tone. Don't let simple arguments escalate into fights.

• Love is Service. Go out of your way to do something nice/thoughtful for your spouse once a week. It doesn't have to be big. It could be washing their clothes, or taking the trash down when its their job. Just a little gesture to show your love.

• Do Not Micromanage your Spouse. Learn to separate yourself as individuals. Not everything has to be Your way. Not everything they do has to be like you- because they are not you. 

• Sit down and discuss issues and things that cause you to argue or bother you. Then make realistic goals on how to compromise and improve. If you fight about money- revise your budget and make a plan to stick to it. If you argue about the dishes, make a schedule for who does them. If you argue about the toothpaste tube- get 2. Whatever it is, now is the time to address it in a constructive manner. 

My Miscarriage

Reader Digression: This is going to be an incredibly raw and personal story about my experience with miscarriage.

I know you are not supposed to go down the rabbit hole pondering what could have caused your miscarriage. There are drug addicts who give birth to semi healthy babies, so it is important to not blame yourself for what happened. But in hindsight there were some things that I think defiantly did not help my odds of not miscarrying, and I wanted to address these "Red Flags" or bad habits that maybe contributed or indicated a problem.

The first sign for me was the pregnancy tests.
At 2 weeks late I decided to take a pregnancy test. I took a line test and it came back positive. Very light, but the second line was there.
I waited 2 days and took another test. 2  pink lines, definitely positive. I took a digital test, it said "not pregnant" so I was confused? The next day I took another line test and got another positive. So I considered myself pregnant.
At this point I should have been sitting around 6 weeks pregnant when I took the test, at which point my HcG levels should have been high enough to indicate a clear positive result. Looking back I think the faint light and negative digital result were a red flag that my Hormone levels were not as high as they should be. This is not always the case and obviously every pregnancy is different so you should not panic if your test was faint or first test was negative. But for me, hindsight says this could have been an early indication that something was off.

I did the prenatal vitamins. Stopped eating seafood. Cut down my caffeine intake. Ect... Trying to be the best incubator possible.
But I also had a bad history of high sugar, high caffeine, low nutrient diet. So my body was already low on vitamins and minerals. And I blame my sweet tooth for possibly causing blood sugar issues that could have contributed to my miscarriage. (I have a serious sugar addiction. And gestational diabetes does run on my family history.)

I called all the local OBGYN's around to ask when I should set up an appointment. They seemed less that eager to have me as a client due to my lack of insurance*. I got short answers and was told only certain doctors would see me. Due to the busy schedule of this overly fertile city- they refused to do any appointments sooner than 12 weeks, as it was not necessary. Not even an HcG blood test**.
They told me to get some prenatal vitamins and they would see me in 4 weeks. No list of dos & don't. No advice. Just a short conversation and *click*

*Pregnancy can sometimes qualify you for special insurance enrollment times through the health insurance marketplace. As well as the availability of many government programs. Look for abortion alternative clinics in your area and they will help you!
**You can insist on having lab work done at ANY time during your pregnancy to test your HcG levels. You are the customer- you are paying for the service. Do not be afraid to request services! Even if they say you don't need one, for your peace of mind, tell them if you want it!

There are SO many things to avoid! I was upset that the doctor never gave me recommendations but as a rule- no seafood, no processed meat, no hot baths, no ibuprofen or medications not approved first be a OBGYN, no Salic acid (in certain face cleaners and toner), no hair dye, no paint, no fake tan or chemical filled lotion/skin products, don't breath in fumes, and avoid litter boxes.

At 11 weeks I thought we were close enough to the "Safe zone" (second tri) that we could announce it, as pregnancy is something super exciting and you want to share with everyone!
There is no "Safe zone" but things are most likely to go wrong during the first 12 weeks, and then still kind of likely until 20 weeks. And if you announce the pregnancy you will have to share your suffering publicly as well. It is your choice. And some people feel that having friends know and support them is helpful to their grief.
 However, I personally wish I wouldn't have shared the news.

4 days later I noticed that I was spotting. A dime size amount, but any amount of bleeding is terrifying during pregnancy. So I went to the internet again, and found that "Light bleeding or spotting during the first Tri is common and no need for concern." So I put it out of my mind for the time being. But the next day it was quarter size spots, 2 of them. So I called my assigned OBGYN office again.
She told me the same thing "Light bleeding or spotting during the first Tri is common and no need for concern." but when I insisted I was nervous about it she told me to go get blood work done and she would check mg HcG levels. So I took a lunch break and went straight to the Lab.
I am terrified of needles, but my anxiety about the spotting was greater that my needle anxiety so I kept it together.
The next day she told me to go in again and we would test the levels 24 hours later and see if they were going up or down. By this time I was having slight cramping pain but assumed this was due to the stress of this situation. It got worse as I waited what felt like an eternity for the call.

I received a phone call 3 hours later from the Dr, not the nurse. I was at work, and went to the back to take the call. She said "your test results came back and your HcG is decreasing which means you are going to miscarry any time within the next few days" She said it matter of factly, as nicely as she could, but very straight forward, almost bluntly. My ears rang and I just said "ok" and hung up the phone. So that was that.

I called my boss and told him I was unwell and had to leave- now. He assumed I was ill or had a headache and asked if I could stay 2 more hours, but I informed him I was leaving immediately. I didn't care if I got fired at this point. It was like when she told me that, she gave my body permission to precede with what it was already trying to do. I was in the worst pain I had ever experienced by the time I arrived home. It was all I could do to get out of the truck and climb the unbearable stairs to my apartment.
I hadn't even called my husband, and he was alarmed when I stumbled in the front door. "Are you ok?" he asked, looking at my pale expression and hunched posture. "No, I am in SO much pain right now! I HAVE to lay down!"
I went to the bedroom, took off all my uncomfortable clothes and crawled into bed.

I had an ovarian cyst rupture several months earlier- and if you have ever experienced it, it is an intense cramping pain like your appendix is dying or you have been stabbed. This was just as horrible, but it lasted longer. I called the doctor back and asked her at what pointed I should be concerned and she basically told me to "Go to the ER if you bleed heavily enough you become faint or pass out" and called in a prescription for a pain killer if I decided I needed it.  I sent my husband to retrieve the prescription- half because I wanted pain relief and half because I didn't want him around. He was only trying to help and was concerned, but I only wanted to be alone in this time of pain and misery.

I will spare you the details of the rest of the evening but I will say that you will lose a LOT of blood. More than you think you will. For every period you missed, add that and multiply it by 3.
It is very painful. You are dilating, like how one would in labor- except you don't dilate as much (only to about a 3-5 cm depending on how far along you are when it happens.) And you also have contractions. Some people say that these are just as bad as pregnancy contractions, but again, I think it depends on how far along you are.
I was scared, no-one told me what to prepare for. I thought at one point that I might pass out and possibly die from this. The best place for me was to lay in the shower and let the water constantly run across me.
You will pass large clots and clumps of tissue, and possibly the entire birth sac. For me- seeing the "Birth Sac" completely intact was the most traumatic experience of my life. It is an image that is forever burned in my brain. I wanted to see if there was indeed a baby inside- but it felt morbid to do that. So I wrapped it, and set it aside. Some people flush them. Some people bury or cremate them. It is 100% what you feel is right. There is no guideline for what you should do with this. Most hospitals dispose of it as medical waste, and it is not considered a person for burial until 20-24 weeks depending on the state. Anything before this point is your choice, and responsibility.
We chose to bury ours in nature, as it seemed a more respectful and ceremonial and I could not bring myself to just dispose of it.

For me it was such a shock and was so abrupt that I didn't really wrap my head around it. I felt numb, and distant from reality. I didn't feel as sad as I thought I should, and that made me feel guilty. I was disappointed, and embarrassed. I felt as tho I had done something wrong and caused this, and now all my friends and relatives knew I was unfit to have a baby. I felt like all my plans and excitement got out of hand and I had gotten ahead of myself. I felt like I had let down my husband, as he was over the moon excited to be a father. And worst of all- I felt relieved. I wasn't ready for a baby, and I was so scared about suddenly being responsible for one, that I felt like I had subconsciously told myself to have a miscarriage.

We didn't talk about it. I tried to pretend it didn't happen. I went back to work 3 days later and no-one said a thing and I acted as tho nothing had happened. It was easier to not think about it.
My husband didn't bring it up, and kept his feelings about it private for the most part. Which ended up causing him to drink more, and become more distant. People often forget that a miscarriage can be just as hard on the husband. Several months later we were able to talk about the experience together and he said "I think subconsciously the miscarriage effected me more than I realized it was, because I was trying to pretend everything was ok for you... and I didn't recognize that I wasn't ok yet."

I also became very bitter. Every time I saw a pregnancy announcement, or expectant mother I would think things like "She doesn't deserve to have a baby because_____" or "Why do people like them get to have children when I don't". I would judge people by their genes, thinking anyone who was less healthy, or attractive, or successful did not deserve to reproduce. And I became very hateful of other peoples children.
This anger and resentment and jealousy ate away at me daily for a long time.

Over time I started to embrace and cope with the realization that this had happened to us, it was real life, and I needed to find a way to let it go and move on.
Then one day I was searching the internet for "What to do with miscarriage" And found an article called "The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage" With Miscarriages being so common, surely others had experienced this and there was a way to grieve, a ceremony, a tradition...
That was where I learned of the Jizo.

https://www.amazon.com/Hi-Line-Gift-Ltd-Japanese-Smiling/dp/B01N3P0FFB/ref=sr_1_28?ie=UTF8&qid=1508802991&sr=8-28&keywords=jizo

"These small figurines dressed in red caps and bibs honor the souls of babies who are never born.

According to Buddhist belief, a baby who is never born can’t go to heaven, having never had the opportunity to accumulate good karma. But Jizo, a sort of patron saint of fetal demise, can smuggle these half-baked souls to paradise in his pockets. He also delivers the toys and snacks we saw being left at his feet on Mount Koya. Jizo is the U.P.S. guy of the afterlife."

And for me, and others who arnt buddist, the Jizo represents the child, it is a memorial. A way to honor the past, and not forget, but have closure.

My Jizo statue sits on a shelf in my house, and I can look at it and not feel sad anymore.

For the few months immediately after the miscarriage I had intense feelings of wanting to "fill the void" and try for another child. This is normal and caused by the hormones fluctuating through your body during this time. It is best to wait 3 or more months before trying again, to give your body, and mind time to heal. We got a new dog at this time, thinking a baby puppy would give me something to care for and love, and it was very comforting to me at that time.

As time went on, the miscarriage didn't have as much weight holding me down. I felt happy again.
My husband and I were able to talk about it, together, as well as to people who asked us about it. The more we talked about it the more we healed. I was able to force myself to let go of the guilt and anger  and embarrassment and resentment. I was able to find peace with what had happened and move forward.
I found so many forms and people in my life who had gone through this same thing. There was a whole community of woman who shared their stories online, and helped bring peace and consoling to other woman who were suffering. The more forms I read, and blog posts, and stories, the better I felt about my experience. The more I realized how normal these thoughts and feelings were. And it brought comfort to me to know that I was not alone.
So I decided to post this story, and share my experience in hopes that others can relate and receive comfort from it.

Reach out to those around you. Share your story. And let go of the anger and hurt. Time heals all wounds, and you will be ok again.

Links & References:

To the Woman who has just miscarried: http://mrshsfavouritethings.com/2016/10/open-letter-woman-miscarried.html

What happens when you Miscarry: http://www.labelledame.com/miscarriage/whathappenswhenyouhaveamiscarriage

A blighted Ovum is a miscarriage where no baby forms: https://wehavekids.com/having-baby/Blighted-Ovum-and-Missed-Miscarriage

Grieving a miscarriage: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html

You need Jesus

I grew up in a small community in Utah. A country style town where every body knew everybody. The Church (of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka 'Mormon')) was very popular there, as in most of Utah. Most of the population was LDS, and the community was very family and church based. So when someone happened to not be Mormon, it was the odd thing there. And even if they had a different religion, people still knew a lot about Mormon culture, because the rest of the state kind of upheld those traditions. This was back ten years ago, and Christen region wasn't under so much negative light.
Recently we moved quite far from our Mormon state to a bigger busier city. Its not as easy going and friendly here, but that has more to do with not knowing anyone than the community itself. Its hard to feel connected with a community you didn't grow up with, and have little in common.
In small talk conversations I find that a lot of people have asked where we moved from (I guess I have a bit of an accent?) and when I say we came from Utah people automatically assume "You must be Mormon then?"
The main religion here (if you are religious at all) is the Catholic Church. Which, from my understanding has a lot of the same core beliefs and standards as the Mormon church. There is 1 church here, 3 wards, maybe 1,000 members in this town. Which is odd for me coming from a place where there was 1 church practically every mile. But there are many Catholic church here (which by the way are beautiful).
Sometimes the "So you must be Mormon?" question comes out kind and curious. And often times there is a slight tone in it that makes you feel like the person asking you has some negative feeling towards it. I answer "Yes, my husband and I both are LDS" with as much confidence and positivity as I can. But its hard to not be a little nervous about stating your belief when it is not only less popular, but sometimes disliked, and you don't know what the person will say about it.
Giving yourself that label, making that statement, sets you apart and hold you to a higher standard. If you are going to proudly announce that "I am a Mormon" and you believe and follow the LDS church, you should make sure that when people meet you they feel like the Mormons are good kind people. When they think LDS they think of people like you and you want that to be a positive association. We want people to think of Mormons as kind caring and giving people. People who follow Jesus and want to spread his message and love with others. We want them to think of service and help and compassion.
In todays society Christian regions, especially Mormons, are under negative light because of the members actions concerning new cultural changes. Specifically the LGBT community and the churches stance on Gay marriage. Society has painted a dark picture on our community for being closed-minded, discriminative, hateful people. In response to my answer "Yes I am Mormon" I have been asked "So you hate gay people?" It shook me how he looked at me with disgust and pain and assumed that I hated him or thought of him as nothing more that Satans brother when he said that. "No!" I answered. "I don't hate anybody" "Well then why do you people refuse to let Gay people have rights?" he spat. "We don't. The church has rules against them being married in our church, because same sex marriage is a sin according to our religion." I explained. "BUT, the church is also against sex before marriage and doesn't allow even its members who don't obey every standard to be married in their temples either." He then asked "Well then why don't you let gay people come to your church?" to which I replied "We do. We invite everyone to come. And anyone who tells you other wise isn't following the religion either because we all break the rules and sin in one way or another. But we do not judge each other by those sins or tell people they ant welcome because of any of them." "A lot of Mormons do judge" he said. "Yes, but they are going to hell for judging you then so I wouldn't worry about it" I laughed. And he became less hostile. "Listen, I drink coffee, I like tattoos, I've had alcohol, and I had sex before I was married ok? I am not perfect. But I don't think my sins are less sinful than anything you do, and I don't hate you because of what you believe or do."
I think this is something we all need to apply and proclaim.
I know many many self righteous, better than thou, judgmental Mormons who put themselves on a pedestal and look down on others. I think it makes them feel like they are more likely to go to heaven as long as they are better than the majority of others, so they point out and pick at other people who they think are more sinful than them. But the truth is- there is not a limit on the number of people who are allowed into heaven. Just because 10 people sin some than you does not make you more likely to get into heaven because you think those 10 arn't.
I also think that a lot of them think its unfair if they play by the rules and "have less fun" than someone who screwed up and later repented is on the same level of them. Which in a way kind of is, because you naturally want gratification and awarded for doing better at something than another. But news flash- religion isn't a competition! You don't get an award, you don't get favoritism, you are equal.
God loves you. But he can love everyone else too, and it doesn't take anything away from you. But if you truly believe in God, and are trying to be like him, you need to love everyone equally. And spread that love and kindness and giving to everyone. Wether you personally agree with their life choices or not doesn't matter. If you refuse to love and accept people for who they are than why would they want to have anything to do with you or the religion you are associated with? Why would they want to believe in God if the people who are spreading his message are also spreading one of hate and discrimination? Mormons don't hate Gay people. Mormons don't hate anybody. And if you have any hate in your heart for these people, than it is you who needs Jesus.
And if you are going to say "Yes, I am a Mormon" you need to make sure you're living, dressing, and behaving like someone who is proud to be Mormon. You need to be the light that shines that brings warmth and love to others and draws them closer to God. Not someone who pushes people away or makes them feel unwanted or unworthy of Gods love. Because he loves everyone.

The Fuck-it-Bucket

I can not believe how messy your house can get when only 2 people live there. But when you graduate from newly weds to overly comfortable couple with very busy lives, your house becomes the landing zone for all your belongings and half finished projects.

Growing up, my mom made cleaning the house into a much bigger project than I thought it needed to be. Why spend hours cleaning and detailing and organizing your house, when it only becomes a mess again by the end of the day? What a waste of time I could be doing something else. So if you are looking for an overly organized way to meticulously clean your house this is the wrong place. This is more the way to clean your house quickly and efficiently then here you are.

First off you will need 2 Landry baskets, a trash bag, and a large storage tub with a lid like this: 

Take things 1 room at a time. The first basket will be for laundry, the second for everything that goes in the room you are currently cleaning, and the storage tub is for all the odd things that don't exactly have a place. Like a huge junk drawer, I call it the 'Fuck it Bucket'

So turn on the music and sort through each room as quickly as possible, Trash, laundry, room stuff, everything else. After each room put away the contents of the 'room basket' and move on. When all the rooms are sorted then run through the house with window cleaner, wipe down counters, dust and vacuum. Each room should take no more than 10 minutes. Then snap the tub closed and put it in a coat closet.

The best part of the Fuck-it-Bucket is that whenever your spouse, or other family members ask where  something is direct them to the bucket where they have to dig through the entire contents. Soon you will be amazed by what is left out for you to pick up because they are sick of having to dig their crap out after you pick it up.

Try it out, give it a week. Let me know what you think.

Parenting a young... husband?

As the first year of bliss wears off you start to realize that you now have a full grown man child in your life. Undoubtably you either have cried or will cry from frustration when you just can not get him to behave. It is one of those things that everyone struggles with and everyone learns to accept. Yes Accept. It. Will. Never. Change.
From telling him how to drive. To behave in a public place. To stop saying this. Quit doing that. Please don't. Knock it off. Be Careful. Wear your seatbelt. Turn that down. Be gentle with that. Dont put that there. Where did you put this? Close that. Ect...
It never stops. You will get more and more annoyed at each little thing. And why does it bother you so?
Because they don't listen. They don't stop. It goes in one ear, out the other, and five minutes later they are doing exactly what you told them not to.
You give them specific instructions, ask them to repeat them to you, and when they come back they still did it wrong.

What do you do?
The honest answer is 'Let it go'. You are your own person, with your own habits and rules for everything. But at the end of the day they are their own person too. They will do it their own way. Even if that way is harder, more dangerous, and socially frowned upon. All you can do is shake your head.
You could try to nag them over and over again. But that only causes friction between you, and not the good kind. The good news is every now and then they learn from experience and become wiser.

But the moral of the story is, you can't be a wife and a Parent. You can't micromanage a man. And the best motto in life came from a Disney Princess who ironically doesn't have a man to deal with.

Leave Him Alone

Its a well known stereotype that wife's are nagging and controlling. You hear it all the time. Guys complaining about their 'Ball and Chain', being 'whipped' or having to 'ask the woman'.
Even woman know that they are the 'bosses' of their home. He may be the head of the household, but you're the rest of it.
I think we often fall into the habit of thinking we are smarter, or have a better way for things. And often, we do. Woman usually have a routine or step by step guide for every task. We know how to get things done smoothly and efficiently, so we can move onto the next task.
We know what works best.
Men, have a different way of doing things. And if you think you will ever get him to remember your way or do things 'right' you are very, sadly, wrong.
I do this to my husband probably 200 times every day. I either say "don't do that" or try to micro manage what he is doing.
Heres an example of what I mean:
He picked me up from work and we headed to the store. The radio was too loud so I reached over and turned it down. He turned it back up. "Don't! It can't be above 15 because its too loud and it gives me a headache." I have told him this a thousand times. So I turn it down.
The light turns red and he does't slow down fast enough so he comes to an abrupt stop behind the car. He does this all the time and I have told him over and over to not stop like that. So I get pissed off.
We get to the store and I run him through the list before he goes in. I wait in the car, and he calls me 5 minutes later asking what it was I needed again. Does he even listen? I go over it again. 4 items, just 4. He comes out of the store and he got the wrong kind of one of the things. So I get more frustrated.
I drive on the way home because I can't take his abrupt stopping one more time. We get home, and he puts the bags down just a little too hard and almost breaks a jar from it. "Don't!" I say again.
Im frustrated and he can tell, but he doesn't understand why. Why am I so mad?
Because he listens to his music too loud? He drives in a way I think is unsafe? He can't remember 4 things for 2 seconds? He doesn't remember after getting the same kind for 2 years what kind I want? He dropped the bags down? But why... He left it down after I asked. We didn't crash. He went in the store so I wouldn't have too. He got everything we needed. And he carried in all the bags. Why was I so mad that it wasn't done 'The Right Way' when it got done anyways? Why do I try so hard to make him do everything like me?
For 3 weeks I have been upset, frustrated and annoyed at this poor man. Don't get me wrong I love him to death. But I kept trying to tell him what and how to do everything. The more I talked the less he changed because it was one thing after another. I would stop listening to me too.
I had become the nagging wife, the ball and chain.
So the next day I told myself, no matter what I will "Leave Him Alone."
Whatever he did I would ignore it. I would not tell him to or not to do anything.
...It was the HARDEST day ever. The more I tried to let things go and let him be the more I noticed I had been trying to control. And it was a very. long. day. I learned I am a control freak. Everything I do has a rhyme and reason. Im very habitual. And letting him be his own person and not trying to make him like me is the hardest struggle I have in our marriage. But this is a motto I have been working on. "Leave Him Alone."
He isn't wrong just because his idea is different than mine. He is trying to do things right, and I need to give him credit for the effort for it, not just criticize his short comings. And at the end of the day the little bit of time wasted or difference in routine doesn't really matter.
Just leave him alone. It will all be ok.